The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
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