Kareoke will never be a sober sport
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
