I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
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