You're a womanizer and a bitch.
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
