I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
You made out with two different species that night
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Randomize
