there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize