something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Randomize
