If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
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