i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
