i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
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