I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Randomize
