so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
