I swear god or herbie drove my car home
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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