Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
