Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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