i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
I need help removing her.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
