if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Randomize
