happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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