I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
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