Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
