Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
