You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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