i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
i want tt clbm rinabw nd ride uncrn
what?
i wnt tto climb a rainboww and ride a unicornnnnnnnnn
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
