Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Randomize