i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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