So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Is it penis luge time yet?
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Randomize
