I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
