I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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