While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
