how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
