i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
