I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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