I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
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