Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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