Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
