True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
Randomize
