just do it
fine only cuz shes asian
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Randomize
