I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
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