So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Randomize
