My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I need to calm my uterus...
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
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