If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
