I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
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