My hand turned me down
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
