I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
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