I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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