Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
