I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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