remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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