I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Randomize
