Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Randomize
