I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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