Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
