i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
