Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
