Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
