my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
