we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
