He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
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