The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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