I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I came so hard my ears popped.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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