Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
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