its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
